My toes have accompanied me on every step of my journey through life thus far: all 27, soon to be 28, years (birthday presents welcome). They were there when I lost my first tooth and when I sprouted my first boob; they squiggle in happiness when I fall in love and help me run the hell away when shit goes pear-shaped. I love my toes because they’re a part of my body. They bring great balance to my life and they look pretty when they’re dressed up in nail polish.
I now have a confession to make…
I got it all wrong. My toes, according to the toe/heritage correlation we have been examining this past week, are not Greek… they’re Roman. My second toe is NOT longer than my big toe as was revealed when I made my family take off their socks to determine their lineage. It is close to the same length, but it is definitely not longer. I have done my toes a dishonor in misdiagnosing their arrangement.
I thought long and hard about how this could be. How could my own eyes deceive my toes… or how could my toes deceive my own eyes? It then occurred to me that my nail polish is in fact to blame! The colour and shimmer of the lacquer created a strange optical illusion that quite magically made my second toe appear longer than my big toe.
I felt that I should confess this matter before presenting the results of our analysis, which revealed many interesting observations. Now that my atonement is complete, let’s take a look at what YOU had to say…
The Results *Drumroll…*
1. As far as I know, it’s incorrect, but I’m not 100% sure: 4 people
P.S. Thank you for providing me with a novel-length century-by-century account of the migrations of the clans from which you descended. Now that I know your family history so intimately, I feel as though we should get married.
2. It’s quite possible, but I’m not 100% sure: 2 people
3. Well, how about that… YES! 3 people
And today’s clear winner…
4. It’s a steaming pile of bullshit: 13 people
Other Interesting Observations
Observation 1: The majority of the people who participated in this expedicure, expediment, experiment had Greek toes. Only one had German. This is a clear indicator of the fact that Greeks have always enjoyed partaking in scientific discussion: think Aristotle, Ptolemy, Socrates, Archimedes, Plato and Pythagoras. I could crack a million German jokes here, but they wouldn’t find them funny *bum-dum tsssss*
Observation 2: Y’all have a thing for really bad puns.
Observation 3: Perhaps the biggest and most important observation to be made here is that whoever cooked up this correlation failed to provide a toe arrangement for two of the biggest groups of human beings on the planets… Africans and Asians. The scientific conclusion we can draw from this is that this picture is racist. Just because Asians can’t drive doesn’t mean they should be excluded from this correlation. By that logic, women shouldn’t be allowed to partake either.
Your Take-Home Message
Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet.